Trying to bridge the mentor gap

By Darrell Laurant

Published: September 6, 2008

It takes a village to raise a child, we’re told. But what happens if all the village adults are too busy?

Terri Miller can tell you. She’s the director of a Lynchburg YWCA program called YGyrl Leaders. The idea is to identify 9th and 10th graders at E.C. Glass and Heritage high schools who could benefit from an older role model and match them with willing adults or college students.

We all know the story. Parents — especially single parents — are often too stressed and/or busy to spend “quality time” with their kids. The extended family that used to serve society so well has, in many cases, evaporated. And so the cry goes out: kids need mentors; caring adults need to get involved with young people.

“Everybody thinks it’s a great idea,” Miller said. “The problem is getting people to step up.”

Evidently, it’s a real problem. Right now, Miller has 40 girls who need mentoring, and seven mentors — definitely a mentor gap.

“Last year, in some cases, we had to double up, two girls to one mentor,” Miller said. “That doesn’t always work so well. There can be jealousies.”

One thing I like about this program is that it has made a conscious effort to ditch the vague term “at-risk.” That phrase not only defines young people by their potential negatives, but hangs in the air as a not-so-subtle putdown. Moreover, it also leads to strategies that fall considerably short of a constructive life plan.

“So, Miss Jones, what are your qualifications for this job?”

“Well, I’ve never gotten pregnant, and I’ve never been on drugs.”

“That’s admirable. We’ll keep your name on file.”

Simply not doing things leaves a vacuum, and YGyrl Leaders would like to fill it.

“These are not the so-called ‘bad kids,’” Miller said.

“These are the girls who have obvious leadership ability and a lot of potential, but aren’t tapping into that potential. They are nominated by guidance counselors, and I couldn’t do this without Felicia Calloway (Glass) and Stephanie Luck (Heritage).”

In one sense, 9th and 10th grades are the fulcrum years, when the balance is tipped toward future careers. It’s also a time when hormones are peaking and social interests tend to trump academics.
Remember when you were 14 and 15? The odds are at least 50-50 that you rejected most of what your parents had to say.

This is natural, a part of the inevitable separation process common to all species. Baby birds probably complain to their parents: “Why can’t I leave the nest? You don’t trust me.”

Mark Twain put it well when he said, “When I was a boy of 14, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be 21, I was astonished at how much the old man had learned in seven years.”

Enter mentors. They can’t ground you, they won’t be held responsible if you misbehave, and they have no agenda. They just want to listen and help, and chances are their advice will come with no baggage dragging behind it.

“Especially if the mentor is young herself,” Miller said, “she can say, ‘You know, that’s not cool to do,’ and it will have some credibility.”

Maybe Terri Miller would get more mentors if she wasn’t quite so honest. But then again, she wants you to know what you’d be getting yourself into.

“I’m not going to lie to you and say it’s the easiest volunteer position you can find,” she said.

In other words, “your” teenager may not be Hannah Montana.

The requirements for mentoring are basic. Besides a one-day training session at Lynchburg College, there is a two-hour meeting of mentors and girls each week, and Miller would like for mentors to be able to attend. Plus, she said, “we ask for an hour a week of extra time with that girl. It could be face-to-face, on the telephone or even e-mail.”

Of course, as we all know, such arrangements almost never remain within these tidy boundaries. The more comfortable a girl begins to feel with her mentor, the more likely she is to call at off-times to ask questions or solicit advice. And, kids being kids, mentors may start hearing, “Can you give me a ride? Can you lend me $10?”

“That’s where our college-age mentors have an edge,” Miller said with a laugh. “The girls find out right away that they don’t have any money.”

College students are welcomed into the program, but so are older mentors — of any age. YGyrl Leaders matches only females with females, and all potential mentors must agree to a background check.
The stated goal on the YWCA Web site is “for 100 percent of the girls to graduate with increased self-esteem and increased leadership abilities that will foster success in their future plans and in the communities in which they live.”

Sounds reasonable enough, and being a mentor offers a lot of potential for warm feelings. What it doesn’t offer, in most cases, is instant gratification.

“It will probably take awhile to gain a girl’s trust,” Miller said, “and it may not be immediately evident that the things you’re telling her are having an effect. You may not know that until years later.”
The mentoring program is for one year only. But there’s no rule that says the friendship can’t continue forever.

“Right now, I need volunteers to help facilitate meetings, mentor girls and help with fund development,” said Miller. If you’d like more information, call (434) 847-7751.

By the way, Miller is quick to point out that there are a number of mentoring programs in the Central Virginia area, not just YGyrls.

And that’s OK. It’s a big village.

Can’t get enough of Darrell’s columns? Check out his blog at http://www.blog7hills.blogspot.com and past columns at ww.newsadvance.com.