Get that pipeline off my foot!

By Darrell Laurant

Published: September 23, 2008

A couple of strange thoughts from my childhood ...

1. It occurred to me the other day that I may have a stake in this whole Alaska drilling controversy, albeit a small one.

Back in the 1960s, when I was a kid addicted to sugary cereals, one of the brands I routinely devoured held a promotion that proclaimed: “Own a square foot of Alaska.“

For something like $5 (worth $578 at 2008 prices), you could receive an official-looking deed telling you that you were, in truth, the sole owner of a tiny piece of Alaskan real estate.

They never told you exactly where that real estate was located (maybe on an ice floe that has since melted), but I believed with all my heart that a fragment of our 49th state was all mine.

And while I don’t know what ever happened to that deed that came in the mail, it must be recorded somewhere, right? I mean, the cereal company couldn’t tell me I was an Alaskan landonwer if I wasn’t, could it?

Think about it. What if my square foot of Alaska happened to be directly in the path of the Great Alaskan Pipeline? I could march into the office of some gilded energy boss and shout: “Get that thing off my foot! You’ve got until Friday.“

Meanwhile, where’s my cut of last year’s Alaskan energy money? I’ve got a call in to Sarah Palin.

2. I was watching a Popeye episode on some retro cartoon channel not long ago when a disquieting thought intruded: Popeye the Sailor Man was really on steroids.

Sure, he was. You don’t believe that spinach story, do you? (Wink, wink). Have you ever in your life seen anybody eat spinach and immediately double the size of his biceps?

No, this was something a lot stronger. Not that I blame Popeye—his arch-nemesis, Bluto, was obviously juiced, as well. Without a level playing field, you do what you can.

Popeye knew that there were suspicions about his episodes of instant strength. That’s why he kept protesting: “I yam what I yam, and that’s all that I yam.“

Barry Bonds used to say the same thing.