Why children misbehave: Reason No. 4

By Ken West
Published: September 15, 2008

‘No matter what I do, I will fail at this. So, it’s best not to try at all. At least people won’t ridicule me if they don’t see me performing badly.”

When children become totally discouraged, they give up. Their discouragement is mirrored by their parents’ discouragement: “Nothing I do works. I am absolutely frustrated trying to help this child.”

When totally discouraged in an academic discipline, assumed disability is more frequently called learned helplessness. Sometimes this discouragement is contributed to by learning disabilities.
However, children without disabilities can also suffer from a total loss of self-confidence. The results are the same. Children give up, and all normal efforts to help them fail. Everyone feels frustrated and powerless.

Rudolf Dreikurs’ fourth goal of misbehavior may be the most difficult to reverse. Unlike undue attention-seeking, power struggles and revenge, the goal to avoid humiliation by never trying occurs after one has lost all courage. In my view, an assumed disability is not misbehavior as much as a reaction to total frustration. Everyone involved shares in that frustration.

School help
Special education teachers are uniquely trained to work with students who have given up and assumed a stance of helplessness. Of course, not every child with learning disabilities exhibits learned helplessness. Some of my students with disabilities work harder than other students in class; however, their results can be disappointing. Interestingly, many of these hard-working students blossom after they graduate from the academic setting.

Special educators know how to work with children who are totally discouraged. They reduce the size of assignments and applaud small successes. In addition, teachers find non-traditional ways for their students to display knowledge. In a sense, special educators use techniques that consistently encourage children who have lost their courage. Good teachers can change your child’s life and reduce years of family frustration.

Home varieties
Children can become discouraged in any area of life. Sometimes they can work around areas in which they feel discouraged. If someone gives up on solving mechanical challenges, as adults they can join a car club like AAA, or they may marry a mechanically gifted person. If adults believe they are horrendous singers, they can stare silently at the hymnal and choose not to join the choir. Adults begin to emphasize what they do well rather than what they do poorly.

However, sometimes children give up in important areas prematurely. Their belief that they are absolute failures may be based on faulty thinking. Sometimes they give up on sports or academics because a sibling excels in those areas. Sometimes they are pushed too early to play sports and give up because others ridicule them. How many T-ball players have you seen sitting down in the field picking grass? Beginning a sport, hobby or school one year later can make a significant difference.

One of the most difficult situations for a discouraged child to overcome is having an overly critical parent. Assumed disabilities are created by discouragement. Nothing robs a child of courage more quickly than being constantly criticized. Eventually, a child unconsciously decides: “No matter how hard I try, it is never good enough. I quit! At least now I won’t be a target of my parents’ criticism.”

Your help
How can you help discouraged children? Clearly, you may need to change what you are doing for children to change their direction. Copy the experts: special education teachers. Be sure your children are ready for a particular challenge. Applaud the smallest success, which sometimes is simply making an effort. Withhold criticism — even constructive criticism. Remember that discouragement is the major dynamic that leads children to give up. To counter their discouragement, children need constant doses of parental and teacher encouragement.

Ken West is a professor at Lynchburg College. His book, ‘The Shelbys,’ has been translated into Indonesian and Czech. Readers may write to West in care of The News & Advance, P.O. Box 10129, Lynchburg, VA 24506.