Slot machine parents: Falling prey to little one-armed bandits of discipline

By Ken West
Published: November 17, 2008

‘Mom, may I have a piece of candy?” a preschooler in the grocery store begs.

“No!” his mom replies with conviction.

“Please, Mom. Just one piece. Come on. Just one piece.”

“Absolutely not,” Mom says.

“Please! Please! Please!” yells the increasingly emotional and irritating child. By now, everyone is focused on the drama.

“OK. But just one piece. Don’t ask for more!” the embarrassed mother responds, pretending that she is still in charge.

Although this mother meant well, by saying “No” several times before giving in, she trained her child to believe that by remaining persistent and by becoming more obnoxious, he will eventually get what he demands. His motto becomes, “I want what I want, and I’m going to get it.”

By resisting before giving in to her child’s demands, the parent joined the ranks of the Slot Machine Mammas and Pappas.

Slot Machine Parents train their children by using the most addictive Las Vegas reward system. If you watch a gambler, they are not deterred when the slot machine doesn’t pay off. In their minds, they simply need to keep pulling the handle — over and over. They are certain the machine will eventually pay off.

Unintended permissiveness
Talk with teachers and they will tell you that the hardest students to deal with are the ones who never take “No!” for an answer.

The worst permissive parents allow their children to run amuck without supervision or discipline. Many of these adults are so focused on their own concerns that they don’t have the energy to discipline their children. When these wild children enter the classroom, teachers become the first adults to tell them, “No!”

In response, these students react with anger and disbelief. Unfortunately, they create more and more problems in the classroom because they are determined to do what they want to do and not what teachers tell them to do. This type of permissiveness is hard to reverse because neglectful parents rarely change unless they are forced to by outside authority. Even then, their limited parenting skills make needed changes difficult.

Slot Machine Parents, on the other hand, have good intentions. These parents say, “No!” many times, but eventually they wear out, give in and surrender the jackpot. They are unintentionally permissive. Unfortunately for them, their behavior creates strong-willed children who rarely take no for an answer. The good news is that these parents can retrain their children.

Ending addiction training
Unlike neglectful parents, Slot Machine Parents can and frequently do change. After they understand that their style creates “monsters” addicted to getting what they want, they can decide that “No! Means No!” Parents can then close down the slot machine and refuse to reward bad behavior.

If you are unintentionally permissive, it will take at least four weeks to retrain your child to trust you when you say “No!” While training, never give in after you have said “No!”

When you begin retraining children, you can anticipate that their behavior will become worse. Why? They believe they can break you down by becoming more persistent and angry. During the training period you may need to carry your angry child out of stores or public places. After an episode when a child has to be carried out, make a point the next time you shop of leaving your child at home with your spouse or sitter.

You must be strong and absolutely consistent during the training period. No exceptions. No jackpots.  Not once. If you give in, you must start the training over. And, because you gave in, gaining a child’s trust will be harder.

Creating contingencies
After your child trusts you and respects your authority, you can create deals called contingencies. “If you behave while we are shopping, you can have a treat as we leave the store. You can have _______. If you decide to misbehave in any way, you will lose the treat.” 

What will be your reward for retraining your child? You will have a child who trusts that you mean what you say. And, you will raise a child who is respectful of other authority figures.