Reasons children misbehave: Reason No. 1

By Ken West
Published: August 25, 2008

Children exhibit four goals of misbehavior, according to the founder of modern parent education, Rudolf Dreikurs, M.D.

In fact, Dreikurs claimed to have never seen an instance of misbehavior in a child under 10 that did not fit into one of these four goals. Teens and even spouses will exhibit these same four goals, but they misbehave for more complicated reasons as well.

Although parents are vaguely aware of their children’s goals, Dreikurs believed we should be keenly aware of them. Why? Even as toddlers, children learn how to push their parents’ buttons. Without thoughtfulness, parents tend to respond emotionally just as the misbehaving child hopes they will. When it comes to misbehavior, children quickly learn what most disturbs their parents.

Attention-seeking
As with cholesterol, there is good and bad attention-seeking.

All children want, need and deserve attention. Positive attention-seeking is cooperative and productive. Parents’ responses should be and usually are equally positive. “Thank you for helping set the table.” “You are playing so nicely with your little sister.” “You’re doing so well in school. I’m so pleased you enjoy learning.”

Undue attention-seeking is a different sort of beast. When children feel as if they cannot receive attention in a positive way, they frequently demand attention in disruptive ways. The clearest examples come when parents are busy: talking on the phone, cooking dinner, or focusing on other important activities. Children will cry, whine, interrupt, break things, yell or do whatever it takes to demand that parents stop and attend to them now!

Parents feel annoyed. For a while, adults ignore interruptions, but eventually most children can find the right buttons to push that force parents to react. Some react harshly: “Shut up!” “Stop it now. You are driving me crazy.” Of course, these negative reactions give children exactly what they want: attention. An attention addict’s motto is, “If I can’t keep you busy with me being good, I’ll keep you busy with me being bad.”

Helpful responses and actions
Research shows that the average preschooler misbehaves 84 times each day in a manner that requires an adult response. If you have a high-speed child, that number can double or triple. Parents will never eliminate misbehavior, but it can be reduced by focusing on prevention and by refusing to be predictable.

Prevention works best. Children need attention. Be sure you spend individual time with each of your children. Stanley Greenspan suggests that parents spend 30 minutes of “floor time” with children several times each week. Play games that your children suggest. Always let them know ahead of time when you will center your attention on them.

Be sure to provide activities for your children when guests visit or when you know in advance you will be busy. Also, always verbalize your appreciation for positive behaviors. Thank children. Share your pleasure with their contributive behavior. And, as teachers learn to do, catch children being good and give them encouragement when it is not expected.

You will still face many times when your best plans do not prevent undue attention-seeking. Psychologists’ general rule is to ignore attention-seeking misbehavior. As parents, we know ignoring works sometimes, but not others. If they must react to disruptions, parents need to stay in charge of their emotions. Sometimes, a parent can simply put an arm around the child without making eye contact. If you must speak, lower your voice: “I am busy now. If you do not interrupt me again, I will be able to help (play with, talk with) you in 15 minutes.” Be sure to follow up on your promise.

Parenting books and classes can teach many more techniques for handling the most common form of children’s misbehavior: undue attention-seeking. You can also learn new ways to set up rules and consequences for breaking those rules.

Parents cannot eliminate undue attention-seeking. However, they can reduce it by planning well and reacting thoughtfully.