Reason No. 2 children misbehave

By Ken West
Published: September 1, 2008

Rudolf Dreikurs, the founder of modern parent education, believed that children under the age of 10 exhibit four goals of misbehavior.

Previously, this column examined the first goal: undue attention-seeking. The second goal of misbehavior, power struggles, sends parents scurrying off to parent education classes. Those of us who attended parenting classes quickly discovered that what we learned about handling power struggles also helped our marriages!

Power struggles accelerate as soon as a child learns that little word that can be said so forcefully, “No!”  Generally, power struggles with children follow variations of this theme: “You need to do this now.” “No! I won’t, and you can’t make me.”

Parents usually feel an immediate flash of anger when a power struggle begins. If they act on that anger without thinking, power struggles can quickly rage out of control. 

Dreikurs maintained that “an adult can never win a power struggle with a child.” Why? Children do not have to follow the civilized rules that law-abiding parents do. In public, children will scream, kick, hit or find other ways to combat their parents.

Today’s column focuses on Dreikurs’ suggestions for how to respond as soon your anger warns you that you are entering a power struggle. When emotions calm, your family rules and consequences for breaking those rules can take over.

Immediate reactions
Children are experts at pushing their parents’ buttons and poking their fingers into parental sore spots. As soon as children become defiant, your first goal needs to be to stay in emotional control. Refuse to jump into the gutter with misbehaving children. Your anger can lead you into dark areas from which no good ever comes. We’ve all seen frustrated parents in public places screaming at their children or even hitting them. Onlookers realize that these children have succeeded in making their parents act like, well, children.

Wind-less sails
What can you do when you are angry and recognize you are in a power struggle? Dreikurs’ formula is to always take the wind out of the child’s sails. The child expects you to fight. They are ready for battle. Do not enter the fray. Do not lose your temper and allow your emotions to blow into their open sails.

Do the unexpected. When you are at home, you can silently walk away from a tantrum. Simply walk into another room. When working with parents whose psychological instability led to volatile emotional reactions, Dreikurs taught these adults to go into the bathroom, lock the door, and refuse to come out until their anger subsided. This is an extreme example, but it shows Dreikurs’ absolute conviction that parents need to “sidestep the struggle for power.” Never throw fuel on an open flame; it can quickly blow up in your face.

The power of choice
Giving children choices also helps avoid explosions. When a toddler has a tantrum in a store or public place, Dreikurs suggested that parents remove the child from public by saying: “You can either walk with me to the car, or I will carry you to the car.” If you carry your child, you will need to silently endure tears and screaming. In the process, your children will learn that tantrums do not get them what they want.

You can also offer choices in the home. When a child begins screaming, lower your voice: “You have a 2-year-old voice, and you have an 8-year-old voice. I will listen to you when you begin to use your 8-year-old voice.” Some people claim this technique works on spouses, too, but I wouldn’t recommend trying it.

Refusing the invitation
Children love to punch the buttons that force emotional parents into power struggles. Angry parental reactions give children a sense of power over their parents’ behavior. Refuse the invitation to fight. Your first reaction is the key. Take the wind out of their sails. When emotions settle, use your family rules and consequences as needed. For more techniques, join a local parent education class. It will be good for your children — and for your marriage.