Nay-saying: The peer pressure antidote

By Ken West
Published: October 13, 2008

Teen: “Where did I go wrong?”

“Dad, I didn’t mean to get drunk. I didn’t even want a drink. One thing just led to another, and things got out of control. The next think I know, you’re in my face yelling at me. It wasn’t my fault.”
The teen response above could have also begun: “I didn’t mean to have sex,” or “I didn’t mean to hit him so hard,” or “I didn’t mean to lose control of the car,” or a host of other possibilities. The excuse presents two ideas that are important to examine.

‘It wasn’t my fault’
The father above clearly understands that getting drunk was his child’s fault. So, how can the teen possibly deny responsibility?

Part of the explanation is found in the importance older teens give to the world of ideas. Teens sometimes seem to believe that thinking of something is equal to doing it. The teen’s defense is a variation of the weak belief, “Measure me by my intentions and not by my actions.” In the teen’s mind, his intention not to drink overrides the fact that he became drunk. In time, most adults (not all) will drop this unhelpful belief. Try telling your boss you intended to get the report in on time, but things just kept coming up.

As parents, we may frequently need to say, “I can only judge you by your actions, not by your intentions.” Or, maybe Yoda from “Star Wars” had it right: “Do or Do Not. There is no try.”

When to say ‘No!’
Where did the teenager above go wrong? He waited too long to say “No!” If you do not want to do something, say “No” immediately. If it feels wrong, say “No” immediately. If you are not sure if something is right, say “No” immediately. In the example above, the teen said, “I didn’t even want a drink.” His problem began because he said “Yes” the first time and he failed to say “No” immediately. Usually, writers do not use the same word over and over. In this paragraph, I used the word “immediately” to emphasize that immediacy is the key to fighting peer pressure.

After a teen (or adult) says “Yes” to the first unwanted request, it becomes increasingly difficult to get out of the situation. That’s not to say it is impossible to say “No” at a later time, but it is much more difficult with each passing minute. Peer pressure increases after the first “Yes.”

Teens need to practice saying “No.” It would be wise for youth group leaders in schools and in faith communities to role-play situations. Let different children model various ways people put pressure on others to drink or have sex, and ways that they have found to say “No” immediately.

A shocking study
When my son was at Yale, he took me to the room in which the famous Milgram study took place. You might recall the study, which has been duplicated many times in different ways. People from all social classes were told by an authority figure to shock a person, even though they were made to believe the subject in the study has a serious heart condition. Shockingly, literally and morally, over 50 percent of people shocked the unknown person, even after screams could be heard from the victim they could not see.

Most people focus on the surprising influence an authority figure has on normal citizens. However, an equally important lesson came from those who refused to shock the innocent party. In almost every case, those who refused to shock the victim made their refusal immediately. They said to the authority figure, “I will not treat another person this way.” That was it. They did not respond to prodding or threats. They said “No” immediately, and they stuck to it.

Responding to teens
Your teens must learn to say “No” before the first domino falls. After the first domino falls, it’s harder to push them back up. “It’s not my fault I got drunk.” One response might be, “Yes, you are responsible. You got drunk when you said ‘Yes’ to your first drink.” Say “No” immediately.

Ken West is a professor at Lynchburg College. His book, ‘The Shelbys,’ has been translated into Indonesian and Czech. Readers may write to West in care of The News & Advance, P.O. Box 10129, Lynchburg, VA 24506.