Facing the facts of revenge

By Ken West
Published: September 8, 2008

‘After all I have done for you, how can you treat me this way?”

If you have ever said or thought this, then you understand Rudolf Dreikurs’ third goal of misbehavior. The goal of revenge is to hurt another person whom you believe has hurt you.

In past weeks, this column discussed Rudolf Dreikurs’ first two goals of misbehavior in children under the age of 10: undue attention-seeking and power struggles. These two goals account for most of the daily misbehavior parents encounter.

While both goals are disturbing to parents, they are not as hurtful as revenge. Acts of revenge should always stop us in our tracks, whether the attacks are made by children, spouses or friends.

Occasional acts of revenge
All relationships suffer an occasional act of revenge. Usually, a thoughtful reaction will solve the relationship problem and prevent a cycle of revenge from erupting. Let’s look at an example of a child’s hurtful words:

“Why can’t you be as nice as Johnny’s mom? Everyone likes her.”

The mother instantly recognizes that her child’s goal is revenge because she feels hurt. The mother’s response will determine whether the situation will become better or worse.

Some parents respond to feeling hurt by hurting back:

“Well, if Johnny were my son, I guess I would be nicer.”

This response continues a cycle of retaliation and revenge. These fires can quickly blaze out of control and decimate relationships.

Because we are parents, we need to break the cycle of revenge by taking the high road rather than retaliating emotionally as a child would. After you feel hurt, you may need to count to 10 or take a few deep breaths! During this time, realize that the child feels hurt by you, even if you do not believe the feeling is justified.

When your emotions calm, work on repairing the situation. Sit down so you are at the child’s height:

“Let’s start over. You sound very angry with me. Help me understand why.”

Usually, a child will take you up on your offer and explain. Listen carefully. Respond calmly. Focus only on repairing the relationship. Avoid the temptation to try to prove to your child that his feelings are wrong.

After emotions on both sides calm, share the constancy of your love:

“I understand your anger. I love you. Nothing means more to me than our relationship.”

Constant revenge
Although all parents encounter isolated acts of revenge, a pattern of revenge is serious. If your family is experiencing daily acts of revenge, you need to take action. You might be able to break the cycle of revenge yourself.

First, refuse to respond emotionally to hurtful comments by hurling additional, angry comments of your own. After clearing this hurdle, work on rebuilding your relationship. Spend time with your child doing what your child enjoys. Be more encouraging and less critical. Avoid comparing your child to siblings or friends’ children. Listen to your child more and speak less. Making these essential changes is not easy.

At times, parents know what to do but the cycle of hurting each other is too powerful to overcome. This can particularly be true when dealing with emotional teenagers, who discover so many devastating ways to hurt their parents.

When you find the cycle of hurting each other too difficult to break, seek coaching immediately. Ask friends, a member of the clergy or colleagues if they know a counselor who works well with families. Or, look through the phone book under counselors, psychologists or physicians (see “Psychiatry — Child & Adolescent,” “Mental Health” or “Forensic”), The Alliance for Families and Children or Central Virginia Community Services.

Most counselors and organizations also have Web sites to help direct your calls. Therapists deal every day with family situations that are similar to yours. They can share ideas that might help you change your home’s atmosphere.

When family members hurt each other daily, take charge of your family. Don’t allow another day to pass without working toward change.

Ken West is a professor at Lynchburg College. His book, ‘The Shelbys,’ has been translated into Indonesian and Czech. Readers may write to West in care of The News & Advance, P.O. Box 10129, Lynchburg, VA 24506.