College humor

By Ken West
Published: June 17, 2008

Once again it is time to share the best jokes of the past college semester.

The following jokes were e-mailed by faculty, staff and students at Lynchburg College, Bowling Green University, the University of Virginia and other institutions of higher yearning.

From a computer specialist
Customer: “I’ve been calling 700-1000 for two days and can’t get through; can you help?

Operator: “Where did you get that number, sir?”

Customer: “It’s on the door of your business.”

Operator: “Sir, those are the hours we are open.”

From newspapers (best headlines of 2007)

“Juvenile Court To Try Shooting Defendant”

“Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over”

“Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges”

“Local High School Dropouts Cut In Half”

“Kids Make Nutritious Snacks”

From old cemeteries

On the tombstone of Ezekiel Aikle in East Dalhousie Cemetery, Nova Scotia: “Here lies Ezekiel Aikle, Age 102. Only the Good Die Young.”

On the tombstone of Anna Wallace in Ribbesford, England: “The children of Israel wanted bread, And the Lord sent them manna/ Clark Wallace wanted a wife, And the Devil sent him Anna.”

In a cemetery in England: “Remember man, as you walk by, As you are now, so once was I/ As I am now, so shall you be. Remember this and follow me.” To which someone replied by writing on the tombstone: “To follow you I’ll not consent/ Until I know which way you went.”

From the lexophiles (lovers of words)

Police were called to a daycare where a 3-year-old was resisting arrest.

Thieves who steal corn from a garden could be charged with stalking.

If you jump off a Paris bridge, you are in Seine.

When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she’d dye.

Flabbergasted (adj.) – appalled over how much weight you’ve gained.

Abdicate (v.) – to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

Balderdash (n.) – a rapidly receding hairline.

Did you ever notice: When you put the two words “The” and “IRS” together, it spells “Theirs?”

From the schools

Teacher: “John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?

John: “You told me to do it without using tables.”

Teacher: “Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?”

Simon: “No sir, I don’t have to; my mom is a good cook.”

Teacher: “Clyde, your composition ‘My Dog’ is exactly the same as your brother’s. Did you copy his?”

Clyde: “No, it’s the same dog.”

Father: “Let me see your report card.”

Son: “My friend just borrowed it. He wants to scare his parents.”

From the great Bob Hope

On never winning an Oscar: “Welcome to the Academy Awards or, as it’s called at my home, ‘Passover.’”

On giving up his early career as a boxer: “I ruined my hands in the ring … the referee kept stepping on them.”

On golf: “Golf is my profession. Show business is just to pay the greens fees.”

On going to heaven: “I’ve done benefits for ALL religions. I’d hate to blow the hereafter on a technicality.”

Finally, from the courts

Below is a case that won a Stella Award. The awards are named after Stella Liebeck, who spilled hot coffee on herself and successfully sued McDonalds. You may recall, she took the lid off of the coffee and put it between her knees while driving. “Kathleen Robertson of Austin, Texas, was awarded $80,000 by a jury of her peers after breaking her ankle tripping over a toddler who was running inside a furniture store. The store owners were understandably surprised by the verdict, considering the running toddler was her own son.”

You can laugh or cry. Choosing laughter may be better.

That’s it for this academic year. Students, enjoy the summer, and we’ll see you in September.