Adapting to impossible people

By Ken West
Published: May 12, 2008

How do children learn to adapt to impossible parents? How do they adapt to parents with hot tempers, parents who are highly critical or parents who abuse alcohol? Of course, the answer is that children adapt in a variety of ways.

The following are a few of the adaptations children make to stress. Also, we will examine positive ways children alter early adaptations to become contributing adults.

Growing antenna
Many children of hot-tempered parents grow antenna early in life. They become experts at sensing their parents’ moods and then acting accordingly. When their parents seem happy and less volatile, children relax and act spontaneously. However, if parents appear anxious and temperamental, these children learn to disappear either physically or emotionally. Their motto is “Nothing ventured, nothing lost.”

Antenna children adapt to parents by becoming expert people-watchers. Rather than expressing their needs and feelings naturally, they first check out the mood of the volatile parent. As a result, they frequently have an external center of control, always making decisions based on others’ moods and potential reactions.

Children of highly critical parents frequently adapt by becoming perfectionists or total goof-offs. By striving for perfection, some children attempt to dodge all criticism. By refusing to work at all, other children adapt by become moving targets. Doing virtually nothing constructive, they offer their parents no clear target for criticism. Again, the child’s center of control is outward rather than inward. Their adaptations protect them from anticipated criticism, but a high price is paid.

Children of alcoholics
The marvelous therapist Virginia Satir believed that children frequently adapt to alcoholic parents in predictable ways. She believed that, at times, children assumed roles related to birth order. For instance, an oldest child might become the family hero. This child is “eternally grown up,” explained Satir. Heroes become super-achievers, who also take care of other family members. While these children can become family stars, they also push themselves to control life events. Frequently, they have trouble relaxing and enjoying life. 

If a family hero emerges, Satir believed a second child might become the family scapegoat. Opposite of the hero, the scapegoat becomes symptomatic. The family blames the child rather than the alcoholic parent(s) for family problems. The child’s symptoms are a cry for help for the entire family. If that help does not come, it is not unusual for this child to experience drug and relationship problems as an adult.

Two other roles can develop in larger families. A third child may become the lost child. Exhausted in an effort to deal with the scapegoat and their own problems, parents expect this child to make no demands. Lost children can become emotionally withdrawn, almost invisible. Neighbors may even have difficulty remembering the lost child’s name. Eating disorders or health problems commonly occur as lost children try to fill their emptiness, Satir observed.

Another child can become the family mascot. This child’s role is to become the comedian or entertainer, who performs when stress arises. Frequently, mascots are protected by the family and are treated as too young and incompetent to deal with major problems. If their role does not change in adulthood, mascots will have difficulty finding a place of significance in life. Their lives can become chaotic. (For more, read Lynn Forrest’s “Which Child Were You?”)

Positive adaptations
People change. As adults, they may transform their childhood roles into more positive adaptations to life.
The research of Harvard’s George Vaillant shows that many unhappy young people become altruistic adults. Rather than spinning their wheels, they focus their energy on supporting people in need. Others put their energy into organizations that contribute to society. Frequently, antenna children, who once lived with a volatile parent, develop the art of anticipation and become expert planners. Still others develop humor that helps them and others handle impossible situations.
Children must find ways to adapt to the impossible people in their lives. Some never rise above their childhood roles. Others become leaders in their communities. They become adults we all know and cherish.