A last look back

By Ken West
Published: January 5, 2009

In 2008 we examined keys to marital success, handling relationship mismatches, the goals of children’s misbehavior, discipline that works, fostering school success, aging well and numerous studies in applied psychology. Below are high points worth thinking about once more.

Sex for housework
New studies reported by Neil Chethik (see his book, “VoiceMale”) have concluded that “the happier a wife is with her husband’s participation in housework, the more sex she has with him.”  According to Chethik, recent research conducted at the University of Kentucky is the first to show a link between housework and sex. Most men could have saved researchers the trouble.

Slot machine parents
Parents who say “No” to children’s demands several times but later give in are known as Slot Machine Parents. Children learn that by remaining persistent and by becoming more obnoxious, they will eventually get what they demand. Their war cry becomes, “I want what I want, and I will get it.”
Slot Machine Parents train their children by using the most addictive Las Vegas reward system. If you watch gamblers, they are not deterred when the slot machine doesn’t pay off. In their minds, they simply need to keep pulling the handle — over and over. Children become equally certain that Slot Machine Parents will eventually pay off.

Time out
Rudolf Dreikurs taught a two-step process in enforcing time-out. After the first offense, a parent says, “I see you have chosen time-out. You may join us as soon as you can behave.” However, if the child misbehaves again, Dreikurs suggests using a timer. The child’s age determines the length of time-out. Use five minutes for a 5-year-old, six minutes for a 6-year-old, and so forth.

Time in
For time-out and other discipline techniques to work, parents must contribute twice as much time-in. Discipline takes money out of the relationship bank. Complimenting children and enjoying activities together puts money back in.

Short takes
“I’ve found that prayers work best when you have big players.” Coach Knute Rockne of Notre Dame.
Bob Hope on never winning an Oscar: “Welcome to the Academy Awards or, as it’s called at my home, ‘Passover.’” 

Marital depression
Good marriages can become dull from time to time. To liven up your relationship, create a menu of fun choices based on the time you may have on a given day. Begin with a list of things you can do as a couple in 10 minutes: Enjoy a drink or lemonade together before dinner or sit alone after dinner to discuss your day. Thirty minutes: Take a walk together around the neighborhood, meet for lunch in the park, listen to a new CD, or work together on a project in your yard or house. Sixty minutes: Take your bikes to a bike path, take a long walk on Percival’s Island, or play a board game.

Quiet time
Parents need to create a Quiet Time after dinner to train young children to do homework. This is generally a one-hour period when all screens that are not being used to do work or homework are turned off. If children do not have homework, urge them to read or paint or draw. Provide art supplies, books, puzzles and other resources that will help them to stay mentally active.

I wish you enough
At an airport, Bob Perks heard a mother tell her daughter as she left, “I wish you enough.” Afterwards, Perks asked the mother what she meant by, “I wish you enough.” She explained that for generations family members had wished each other to have “just enough good things to sustain them.” Then, according to Perks’ story, the mother elaborated:
“I wish you enough sun to keep your attitude bright no matter how gray the day may appear.”
“I wish you enough rain to appreciate the sun even more.”
“I wish you enough pain so that even the smallest of joys in life may appear bigger.”
“I wish you enough loss to appreciate all that you possess.”
“I wish you enough hellos to get you through the final good-bye.”

In 2009, I wish us all enough.